I offer. I offer. I offer. I do not request. Actually, I avoid requesting
I am a caregiver, a listener, a healer, a sometimes wise woman. I am a metaphorical mother’s breast of endlessly flowing milk. I find esteem and comfort in providing. I find shame and agony in requesting. When it comes to requesting, I am a mess or was a mess.
I was so thrilled with the epiphany I had early this year in a conversation with a client. I “coined” the “3 R’s of the Soul – Refusing, Receiving and Requesting.”
I wrote about refusing and saying “NO.” I wrote about receiving. Then it was time to write about requesting. Paralysis of the mind – I couldn’t think about requesting, let alone write about it.
It has been over two months since I posted to this blog. Two months of hell for me. Hopefully, liberating hell. I have been facing the inner dilemma and the inner anxiety of facing my own “stuff” about requesting. I have learned a lot and as a great therapist once taught me – “Know it. Catch it. Change it." I now know what a mess I am around requesting and this is the key. Now I easily catch myself and I am amazed at how I am changing my relationship to making requests.
If I were going to pathologize my requesting dilemma I would call it a social disorder. Requesting is a social deed, an action between self and other. I have difficulty determining what I need and requesting it from someone who is likely to be able to provide it.
This does not have to be major. It can be simple- like asking directions. I am so resistant to asking for directions – requesting help. It takes my breath away. Instead of asking some friendly person for directions, I drive around for god knows how long, fiercely looking for my destination. I know this is nuts, but I also know that a number of my readers are identifying with me.
Or I can be shopping and a salesperson asks if I need help. I say “No, thank you” as quickly, charmingly and confidently as I can. Then my inner voice says “You jerk! You know you need help.” I then silently search the store for whatever it is I need.
Notice, that I am only talking about minor, practical requests. Not major, life-supporting requests. Baby steps…baby steps.
Yes, there have been times when I have made a request, but not many. I can place a order with a waiter. I know what I want to eat and I request it. But if the hamburger comes well-done and I ordered medium rare, I do not request that I get what I ordered.
I have request envy. I watch friends and strangers make requests as if they have a right to request. Why don’t I feel that right? Intellectually, I know about this right to request. I know that self-respect encompasses needs and gifts, strengths and weaknesses. Yet, my thoughts about requesting don’t shape my feelings or my actions.
Why is it so damn difficult for me to make a request?
Come on a journey back to my childhood. My dear mother was a wreck, loaded with anxieties, pretty narcissistic and very incapable of meeting her own needs. Meeting the needs of her children was not her strength. I learned early on meeting her needs and not having any of my own was the only way to get love and not be abandoned.
My father was in and out of mental hospitals. My mother left him while he was hospitalized and moved us to Florida when I was 8 years old. Two months later when she told my sister and me that he was out of the hospital, I insisted that she put me on a plane so I could go take care of him. She did. I happily cared for my daddy until it became inconvenient for him and he put me on the plane back to Florida. At my young age, I decided I hadn’t offered enough to not be abandoned.
Light bulb!! I used the word “insisted” instead of “requested.” Yes, I can insist to get my needs met. I can righteously “demand.” So my options in requesting are all or nothing. I deny my needs or demand their fulfillment. The middle range of levels of request is just not there in my soul.
It is never to late to transform, transcend and find peace. Here I am at 60 finding a new relationship to requesting. So I will write about my new insights about requesting. Just remember as I will – conceptual understanding of basic rights and activities and the recognition of the biographical roots of personal difficulties are only steps to the essential practice of the rightful activity. Requesting is making the request – not thinking about it.
The Right Request
First, determine your need, the object of your request. Be clear and be specific. If you are not specific about what you need, you may not get what is appropriate for and fulfilling of your need.
You may need to work at this. I suggest finding a few minutes and do some journaling about your need. Know your need which is the desired result or outcome of your successful request. Then write down your request. You may need to rewrite it several times to get to the right phrasing. If you do this practice for a month or two you will build a skill and master the art of the Right Request.
Each week I have a “One to One” training session at my Apple Store. (another reason to switch to a Mac – 52 private training sessions for just $100 – fabulous) I make a list of my questions before I go. What I don’t do is make a list of what results I am wanting. If I got clear that at the end of the hour I want to be able to create a spreadsheet, I would be less likely to go off on interesting but unnecessary tangents that diminish the success of the outcome. Often I learn about wonderful things, but not what I wanted to learn. That’s my job as the requester to manage the request and stay focused on the outcome.
Journal about the fulfillment, the outcome of your request. Conscious requesting means you are clear about the goal of the quest!
The Right Provider
Second, ask yourself “Who can provide what I am requesting?” Who can meet your needs? Too often we don’t ask the right person or the right organization. We are requesting that we be served and we need to know that our provider is capable of the service. Otherwise we are going to be disappointed or in deep trouble. It is also possible to ask “Are you the right person to meet my request? If not, can you help me determine who is?”
I am very happy to be a resource for my clients. If I recognize an issue is better handled by another healer, I am happy to provide a provider.
Seek out the right provider for your request. If you need help in finding the right provider, request it from a good resource.
The Right Level of Request
Make a list of levels of request from denial of the request to demand and insistence. Look at your style of requesting. Look at your comfort and safety around requesting.
My stepmother had a very pleasant way of asking for discounts from her service providers like the dry cleaner. She almost always got her discount. She really understood the relationship of requesting and providing. I wish I had paid attention to her art.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” But do you ask with honey, with vinegar or with poison?
If you are clear about your request and have confidence in your provider, than this exploration on the art of the request, will be easy. But if you are anxious about making the request, ask a friend to rehearse with you. Make sure you pay attention to any feelings or memories that surface during the rehearsal – they are clues to resolving your issues and healing your wounds around requesting
Then…go ask. Life is a quest filled with requests. Find the right question, ask the right person in the right way and you will succeed, celebrate and rejoice.
I have three requests. Please let your friends know about the Live In Full Bloom! blog.
Please write a comment to this post. Please contact me at lynnjericho@gmail.com if you need some counseling and coaching on living your life in full bloom.
8 comments:
appreciated all your shared esp. about reflecting on the right source to ask for your request - who can fulfill it best. thanks for the post.
Thanks. This is a BIG issue for me, but one that I am (valiantly) working on. I decided to make my New Year's intention "to receive blessings and notice them when they come." Not surprisingly, much has come my way... I am also learning to rehearse simple phrases to request what I need (and yes, I'll say it, what I deserve). For instance, when I contact a potential venue for one of my Art Talks, I've learned to say, "And, what is your usual speaker fee?" instead of, "Of course, I speak for free." Naturally, it is MUCH easier for me to tell others to ask for what they want, need and deserve! Maybe it has helped me to watch their successes. One thing that has helped me, although it is not my faith, is that in the Jewish religion it is taught that it is a good deed to allow someone else to do a good deed by helping you. Imagine! An on-going struggle to be sure for "givers." Thanks again. Paula
I too appreciate your new blog,my fear is with the futur outcome-not getting my needs met not at the store or the restaurant but with those I am in closest relationship with- and then feeling let down that indeed I am not worthy enough to be loved that a simple request of sharing more or requesting intimacy gets denied.Its when it matters for me and my self that I resist and stop the deed the act of requesting even before its comes out of my mouth.Yes, journaling is a great place for inner debating and rewording but this is really with another live person and predicting their response other than in the negative,always a challenge for me.As my mother said prepare for the worst...
In my mastermind group we started out phrasing "request and accept..." then moved to "I choose and gratefully accept..." or sometimes "I intend" or "I acknowledge" depending on the specific intention.
We also avoid using the words need or want which imply lack. I think many of us hold a guilt around asking for more than our basic needs.
Thanks for you blog my Friend
Once again Lynn, you've caught my interest in a few ways here with this post.
I see the honesty clearly first off because it's something that always speaks loud and clearly to me since it's something that's very important for me to see in order to relate. Thank you for your straightforwardness.
I realize it can be hard for some folks to learn how to do what you're speaking of in your post. I've been there, I feel qualififed to comment on it since I have some very direct experience in this area as well.
What I found was the stumbling block for me, or at least the biggest one was that in asking someone for something I needed, I was giving up some sort of illusion of control that I thought I had. In my mind I was putting myself in a rather vulnerable position and opening myself up to things like rejection, ridicule, and not being in the "power position" for lack of a better description.
Some people never learn how to let go, give in and get real about their capabilities and perhaps lack of in some areas. We're supposed to know all, right? Looking at it right now with what I just wrote I can see that it also shows just how much of a perfectionist I tried to be. No matter what I did or others did it just wasn't perfect nor would it ever be. In the past, that used to be just outright unacceptable to me and I was out to fix it, no matter the cost.
I'm one who has learned the lesson well since I've had it hammered into me (by my self of course) over the years that there are times I do need help, I do need to ask, I do need to open myself up, and I don't have to have that control anymore. Actually, once one gets really practiced at it, it's a relief when we do ask for help or directions or whatever it is we need. We don't have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. There are many more shoulders that can help and most times we'll find that others are happy to help. It makes us feel good when we can help others so why deprive them of that?
So, if you Lynn, or anyone else would like to expound on this a bit more, I'd be interested in hearing others' "take" on it.
Here's to a peaceful, beautiful day to everyone.
Lynn,
As I read this I thought... How did she get my journals? GRIN. Requesting is the most difficult especially for those of us who created the belief we had to "earn" love.
I struggle to ask for what I need with personal relationships, even with doctor's, my adult children, and even when they "offer" I say oh no, I can do it no worries.
So I live in less than integrity. Keeps others at a distance, and I help everyone who has a stubbed toe or a bill they cant pay.
I have noticed in my journals of late:
Asked for what I needed today, Support and Acceptance That was the goal.
(I was loosing my dog to seizure disorder and had to make the choice).
I started to cry and talked about something else, babbled about everything but my Dog and my need to be heard.
My Significant other didnt hear me ask for help or acceptance, he heard FEAR. Not from the loss of my dog but from babbling and NOT requesting. Surprise.... It reminded him of his mother and his sister when they manipulated him as a child. I quickly shifted to his needs and later felt abandoned... Surprise again!
So, what I am saying is ... This is a great topic and I am requesting MORE.
I appreciate so very much that you shared.
I applaud your step from acceptance to requesting.. Perhaps it's a developmental stage or an evolutionary one--so many of us seem to be arriving at this point in our lives. Having a near-death exploding appendix taught me to "receive" (I had no choice), which has brought me to the freedom of "requesting". When I was ill, I saw the transformation in those who came to my rescue, offering me love, encouragement and money! I saw how giving to me, enabled self-satisfaction and the feeling of warmth within their hearts. One person had been contemplating suicide, existing purposelessly since her husband died--she came out of her misery enough to think about my dire straits and help. I realized that my acceptance was a gift for them. Giving is full of the virtue of willingness.
Now, I have come to the next step of "requesting". I offered my family the gift of giving by asking for help with clearing my walks of snow and ice in the Winter and now with getting my Spring garden ready for the Summer. I was so tempted to "pay" for their help and then I remembered the Joy that comes with helping someone and stopped myself, knowing that I want my grandchild to understand how giving is the gift for the giver.
Thank you, Lynn for your insights. And I thank God and my friends for mine.
Dear Lynn,
General requesting is not a problem for me, and I have been told by family and friends that at times I am too commanding and demanding. I now monitor myself more.
But what about "THE RISK-ALL REQUEST"? Examples of risk-all requests would be the possibilities of the end of a personal relationship, the loss of a job, the demolition of an identity, etc. It presents itself when conditions become painful (uncomfortable to gut-awful) and require change before damage sets in (physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual). The inner waves of the heart and soul echo within the shell of your being - the cosmic ocean. Do you ignore them or stand up for your evolutionary right? To take it a step further --- did you sense or hear those inner waves?
I find that meditation and prayer have an incredible effect on the energies of the day. The alignment to one's core becomes more in motion and makes the decision process more clear, accountable, and successful. Also - I become more aware and observant of the divine energies in action that are helping me along the way.
Hope I made some sense of it all.
Love to you,
Wanda
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