My former husband crossed the threshold of death yesterday morning. He was 86. I am full of many complex feelings. I married him two weeks after our first date. I was 24. He was 49. We had 18 years together, most very loving. Our two children are amazing human beings. Yet for most of the 18 years since our divorce, he has demonized me.
Over the last week, as my daughter was at his bedside, I gave my attention to his memorial and to memorials in general. How do we remember and acknowledge the expressions of a lifetime?
As human beings, we express ourselves through thoughts, feelings and deeds. Usually, one form of expression will dominate: there are thinkers, feelers, and doers.
In contemplating the life of an individual beyond memories and emotions, we can bring our questioning attention to their life of thoughts, feelings and deeds.
George, was a charming monk. He had enough personal wealth to not work. He read. He thought. He wrote. He had this amazing gift for sharing what he read - vast amounts of ideas - with elegant enthusiasm. His listeners would sit in awe while he brought many complex ideas into beautiful images. His thoughts were revealed in his writing of aphorisms, poetry, plays and essays.
George leaves behind his thoughts. His memorial, beyond the loving anecdotes, should celebrate his thoughts.
He was not a doer. I can't imagine anyone recalling a life of deeds in the world when they remember George. Nor was he a feeling type engaged in nurturing relationships.
His feeling life and his will life were embedded in his thinking. With great and glorious success.
When you think of those who have passed over to the world of spirit, left the world of the senses, do they live in your heart as individuals enriching the world with ideas, with relationships, or with activities of enterprise? We can build such a sense of the soul of an individual by attending to this three-part image. Was your connection to this person established and sustained through their head, their heart or their hands? If you look at what you admired most was it their ability to think, to feel or to will?
What do you want to be remembered for?
My daughter asked me if I thought her father had been happy. Her question inspired the recognition that, a more important question would be "Did he learn his lessons? Did he morally develop?" We don't necessarily come into life to be happy. We do come into life to evolve our humanity - our ability to love and to be free. If George learned his lessons well his soul is now at peace. He celebrates his own life as he relives it, memorializes it, on the other side of the threshold.
George gave me a great gift. The feelings I felt through our relationship, awakened new thoughts in me. He inspired my thinking always, even with his resentments and even with his death. He did not evoke feelings in me nor did he encourage me to action. His thoughts nurtured my thoughts. He blessed my thought life and I will always be grateful for that blessing.
I hope these George-inspired thoughts, inspire thoughts in you. Please share them.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Conquering Demon Thoughts - Part 1
Recently, I was working with a client who was struggling with a negative obsessive thought. You know, the kind of thought that won’t go away and causes a ridiculous, often overwhelming amount of anxiety, fear, or anger. This is a demon thought that grabs hold of you and makes your life miserable.
Right now with the economic challenges, many are having demon thoughts about finances, managing debt, paying bills, securing retirement, giving your kids a college education, etc
The demon thoughts loop through your day and night with endless repetition leaving you feeling helpless. The demon thought has you - you don’t have the thought. These thoughts suck up your energy and can create a kind of paralysis in your motivations and activities. They disrupt and disturb your focus. Obsessive, repetitive thoughts throw your feeling life way out of balance.
Can you take charge of a demon thought? Yes, you can.
First, it helps to understand the biology of a demon thought. Our nervous system is designed for efficiency which means certain neural pathways get programmed and certain impulses develop patterns. These long-term patterns and tendencies are very effective but like any habit they can become a curse. When we are in states of stress certain aspects of the nervous system go automatically to a patterned mode of operation. When we are stressed out and a demon thought appears it gets sucked into our patterned, repetitive mode of operation and we are trapped.
Demon thoughts are inflamed thoughts circling through our consciousness in a closed loop breathing fire. Inflamation truly burns through our thought life and we lose the ability to deflame and cool down.
Under stress our capacity for free control of our thoughts is diminished as our biology overcomes our free consciousness. We go to survival mode. Our perception of reality and mastery gets overwhelmed by our need to survive a demon thought of doom and disaster.
How do we break free? How do we cool down our thinking? We must restore our creative will in our thought life in simple ways.
Here is a very effective exercise that transforms your thought life biologically and spiritually.
Begin with writing down the demon thought. Here are three simple examples that many of us will identify with:
I will have no way to earn money and will be on the street.
If I leave this relationship I will be alone forever.
This mark on my leg is a melanoma and I am going to die.
Write the thought a few more times, perhaps getting more specific. Some of us will find we need to write a paragraph or two. If you need to do this, go ahead but them reduce it down to the core experience. Each time you write it down you are in control of the thought. You are getting the thought outside your body.
You can also begin to write down the sensation and emotions that are attached to the thought. Often simply focusing on the sensation will reduce the intensity and power of the demon thought.
Sick to my stomach and very scared, I just want to vomit.
A tightening vise around my heart and a grief so deep and heavy I want to scream but I have no voice..
My gut is burning and I am raging yet helpless.
This writing down is naming. When we can put a name on and describe a demon thought and the feelings and sensations of the thought, we begin to have power over it. In a strange way, we find a sense of balance, maybe a little wobbly, but the deed of articulating in writing, changes our relationship to the thought.
Now take the demon thought and begin to evolve it. Eventually, taking it into a higher meaning. You can do this just one word at a time or add a new phrase to the thought. Try changing the punctuation from a period or and exclamation point to a question mark. You become the transformer of the thought and the creator of a new reality.
I will have no way to earn money and will be on the street. I am doomed and stupid.
Have I no way to earn money now? I do have a home today. I have time.
I have a way to earn money although I don’t know what it is.
I can make a list of my skills and learn new ones.
With these skills I can make a contribution to others and support myself.
I will make a list of the skills I already have and the ones I want to develop.
I will ask my friends what talents I have.
Eventually, as you take charge of metamorphosing the demon thought, you will get to new feelings and sensations. Begin to notice moments of freedom and love appearing like little twinklings of light. When you reach a higher expression, write down an action to take - this will release the sense of paralysis and victimhood.
You have taken control and maybe, killed the demon.
This writing exercise develops the capacity to control your thoughts. Biologically, the exercise builds cognitive strength, agility and grace. Spiritually, it raises the dominion of your higher self over your stuck and instinctual patterns.
Other ways to achieve this are more artistic. Use the written thought to be the basis for a poem or a painting. With this artistic approach, I suggest you follow the Joseph Conrad wisdom, “In the destructive element, immerse.” Demon thoughts get their power from our resistance. Stop resisting, dance with your demon thoughts. Remember to use the art to express your emotions and sensations. Most importantly give your self permission to write a bad poem or paint a bad picture so you don’t let perfection to keep you from full expression of the demon. These are artistic exercises and healings to be explored and understood and not works of art to praised or critiqued.
I do want to say that there are some of us who have serious neurochemical imbalances, food allergies, toxic environments or post-traumatic stress disorder and though these exercises will be helpful, we may not be able to conquer the demon. These individuals need to seek professional assistance. Do not be ashamed. Seek help.
Learning how to deal with demon thoughts can begin in childhood. You can lead your children through these exercises. Be mindful of how you approach this with children under the age of 9. With young children, tell them fairy tales. Help them see the demon thoughts as stories waiting to be told so that the “happy ending” can be found. As they learn the comfort of your story-telling they will then know that when they get scared, sad or angry, you can guide them into a sense of personal strength. Eventually they will realize that they are their own storyteller. (How I wish my parents had empathized with me and been story-telling mirrors to my developing life of thought.)
If you succeed with this exercise and want to share your process with the readers of the Live In Full Bloom blog - please share it in the comments. Also if you have difficulty, share it with us and you will get help from me and others. Thank you.
Right now with the economic challenges, many are having demon thoughts about finances, managing debt, paying bills, securing retirement, giving your kids a college education, etc
The demon thoughts loop through your day and night with endless repetition leaving you feeling helpless. The demon thought has you - you don’t have the thought. These thoughts suck up your energy and can create a kind of paralysis in your motivations and activities. They disrupt and disturb your focus. Obsessive, repetitive thoughts throw your feeling life way out of balance.
Can you take charge of a demon thought? Yes, you can.
First, it helps to understand the biology of a demon thought. Our nervous system is designed for efficiency which means certain neural pathways get programmed and certain impulses develop patterns. These long-term patterns and tendencies are very effective but like any habit they can become a curse. When we are in states of stress certain aspects of the nervous system go automatically to a patterned mode of operation. When we are stressed out and a demon thought appears it gets sucked into our patterned, repetitive mode of operation and we are trapped.
Demon thoughts are inflamed thoughts circling through our consciousness in a closed loop breathing fire. Inflamation truly burns through our thought life and we lose the ability to deflame and cool down.Under stress our capacity for free control of our thoughts is diminished as our biology overcomes our free consciousness. We go to survival mode. Our perception of reality and mastery gets overwhelmed by our need to survive a demon thought of doom and disaster.
How do we break free? How do we cool down our thinking? We must restore our creative will in our thought life in simple ways.
Here is a very effective exercise that transforms your thought life biologically and spiritually.
Begin with writing down the demon thought. Here are three simple examples that many of us will identify with:
I will have no way to earn money and will be on the street.
If I leave this relationship I will be alone forever.
This mark on my leg is a melanoma and I am going to die.
Write the thought a few more times, perhaps getting more specific. Some of us will find we need to write a paragraph or two. If you need to do this, go ahead but them reduce it down to the core experience. Each time you write it down you are in control of the thought. You are getting the thought outside your body.
You can also begin to write down the sensation and emotions that are attached to the thought. Often simply focusing on the sensation will reduce the intensity and power of the demon thought.
Sick to my stomach and very scared, I just want to vomit.
A tightening vise around my heart and a grief so deep and heavy I want to scream but I have no voice..
My gut is burning and I am raging yet helpless.
This writing down is naming. When we can put a name on and describe a demon thought and the feelings and sensations of the thought, we begin to have power over it. In a strange way, we find a sense of balance, maybe a little wobbly, but the deed of articulating in writing, changes our relationship to the thought.
Now take the demon thought and begin to evolve it. Eventually, taking it into a higher meaning. You can do this just one word at a time or add a new phrase to the thought. Try changing the punctuation from a period or and exclamation point to a question mark. You become the transformer of the thought and the creator of a new reality.
I will have no way to earn money and will be on the street. I am doomed and stupid.
Have I no way to earn money now? I do have a home today. I have time.
I have a way to earn money although I don’t know what it is.
I can make a list of my skills and learn new ones.
With these skills I can make a contribution to others and support myself.
I will make a list of the skills I already have and the ones I want to develop.
I will ask my friends what talents I have.
Eventually, as you take charge of metamorphosing the demon thought, you will get to new feelings and sensations. Begin to notice moments of freedom and love appearing like little twinklings of light. When you reach a higher expression, write down an action to take - this will release the sense of paralysis and victimhood.
You have taken control and maybe, killed the demon.This writing exercise develops the capacity to control your thoughts. Biologically, the exercise builds cognitive strength, agility and grace. Spiritually, it raises the dominion of your higher self over your stuck and instinctual patterns.
Other ways to achieve this are more artistic. Use the written thought to be the basis for a poem or a painting. With this artistic approach, I suggest you follow the Joseph Conrad wisdom, “In the destructive element, immerse.” Demon thoughts get their power from our resistance. Stop resisting, dance with your demon thoughts. Remember to use the art to express your emotions and sensations. Most importantly give your self permission to write a bad poem or paint a bad picture so you don’t let perfection to keep you from full expression of the demon. These are artistic exercises and healings to be explored and understood and not works of art to praised or critiqued.
I do want to say that there are some of us who have serious neurochemical imbalances, food allergies, toxic environments or post-traumatic stress disorder and though these exercises will be helpful, we may not be able to conquer the demon. These individuals need to seek professional assistance. Do not be ashamed. Seek help.
Learning how to deal with demon thoughts can begin in childhood. You can lead your children through these exercises. Be mindful of how you approach this with children under the age of 9. With young children, tell them fairy tales. Help them see the demon thoughts as stories waiting to be told so that the “happy ending” can be found. As they learn the comfort of your story-telling they will then know that when they get scared, sad or angry, you can guide them into a sense of personal strength. Eventually they will realize that they are their own storyteller. (How I wish my parents had empathized with me and been story-telling mirrors to my developing life of thought.)
If you succeed with this exercise and want to share your process with the readers of the Live In Full Bloom blog - please share it in the comments. Also if you have difficulty, share it with us and you will get help from me and others. Thank you.
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Paradox of Peace
September 21 is being celebrated as the International Day of Peace. Since I attended a meeting of NGO's to discuss how to bring awareness of IDP to the world at the UN last May, I have been spending serious moments considering peace.
Here is the short video I made to acknowledge the day.
The vocalist is Derek Stroh. I think he brings a genuine sensitivity to Imagine. Tony Woodroffe, a great friend with tremendous heart and tremendous talent, works with Derek and suggested I create the video.
Now I will share with you some of my challenging thoughts on the Paradox of Peace.
Maybe it is my personality or the years I have spent working as a counselor, speaker, writer and workshop facilitator in the realm of personal awareness and development but I found myself questioning the major gesture of this Day of Peace. The gesture felt more like having a party for peace rather than participating in peace. The gesture felt comfortably intellectual and not uncomfortably intimate. The planners, who were heart felt and passionate, were focussed on inter - NATION -al peace and inter - GROUP activities rather than inter - PERSONAL development of a consciousness of peace, a feeling for peace and a will to peace.
What is peace?
Can there be peace among nations, among groups, if there is no peace within souls?
I have the feeling that the meaning of peace in the International Day of Peace is simply the opposite of war. No more war is a good thing. But just military war between nations? What about verbal war between persons, between lovers?
I think Peace is so much more than the absence of war. I feel peace is a complex language that none of us yet knows how to speak. Or maybe we know the language but lack the courage to speak it.
How do we learn the language of peace and find the courage to speak it?
When in your life have you felt inner peace? Was it merely the absence of inner war or was it more?
Do you have any peaceful relationships? What is a peaceful relationship? Is it a relationship without little wars?
Could you name and define four qualities of peace? Not qualities in the abstract, but qualities you and each of us can develop in order to be at peace.
Can we create and sustain peace and still feel we and our beliefs and behaviors are the only right ones? Can peace contain differences and disagreements?
Can we create and sustain peace and still maintain boundaries? After all each of us has skin defining where “my” territory is.
And if we had peace, what would we do for entertainment? So much of entertainment is dependent on the absence of peace, truth and kindness. There was a great suggestion that for International Day of Peace all media withdraw any programming that contained violence! Imagine that! Could we ask newspapers and blogs to do the same? could we ask Netflix and video stores to not rent videos containing violence for just one day? Could we ask those who play video games to not play?
There are so many aspects of our lives and our economies that depend on the absence of peace. Just think about it.
Would peace be boring? I know enough about neurochemistry to know that risk, uncertainty and threat are arousing and give us a feeling of being intensely alive. I also know that love, belief, and passion generate levels of commitment and a willingness to defend until death. Can we have peace and still have great love, great belief and great passion?
I do hope I have stimulated your thinking about peace. Please spend some of September 21, the International Day of Peace, thinking deeply about peace. Please, too, share your thoughts here on the blog.
Think peace. Find peace. Create peace. Sustain peace.
Engage peacefully. React peacefully. Love peacefully.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Sweet Sleep
Ideally, one-third of our lives, 8 hours out of every 24, are spent sleeping. Insomnia, the inability to fall asleep or stay asleep is a huge challenge for many of us. This post is all about getting sweet sleep.
Sleep is not just physically restorative, it is spiritually restorative. Sleep is the time the body heals, the mind digests (let me sleep on it!) and the spirit inspires.
I want to share a a very calming, nurturing, and centering exercise with you. It is simple and short. This exercise is practiced before falling asleep and is great for everyone including our young children and our elderly.
The Sweet Sleep exercise may or may not cure insomnia or nighttime stress, but it will definitely sweeten your soul and sweeten your sleep. A paradox lives in the sweet sleep exercise as it celebrates your waking life while enriching your sleeping life.
You quietly celebrate what you receive each day, what you accomplish each day and then whisper to your soul your intentions for the following day.
Reflect on your day and recognize:
These are not "things" that occurred through your efforts. They exist through grace and generosity. Recall anything that was present during the day, however briefly, that supported or enriched your existence. You might recall something natural like a cloud, a flower, the feel of a breeze against your skin - or perhaps a statement of wisdom or beauty. A smile from a stranger. The sweetness of a piece of fruit. A surprise call from a friend.
accomplishments that required your efforts and will forces. These are three ways you made a contribution to the world. Ideally these are completions of deeds or completions of a stage of a deed. Something neat and complete, not a great, but unfocused or unfinished effort. You did the dishes. You kissed your children. You read a chapter of a book. You finished a project at work. You attended a meeting.
again these are actions that require conscious and focused will efforts. Do not wish or desire here. Intentions are a commitment to engage your will and deliver to the world. These can be simple or complex, be easy or a stretch, but make sure you can actually, fulfill the intention. You are free here to be self-aware. You may intend to take a nap. Call a friend. Look at the moon. Weed for 15 minutes. Take your supplements. Don't do this as if you were making a to-do list, rather create a list of focused and enthused intentions.
I suggest you carry out this exercise with a sense of reverence as if you are saying/writing a nightly prayer. You are preparing your soul for sleep. Your self-celebrating feelings are the guide. You are alive and life is good. Life has contributed to your joy and your accomplishments are of value to you and to others.
This is an exercise that strengthens your will from your heart. It is actually an opening conversation with the spiritual world, your angel, and God that leads to a fabulously restorative sleep.
I have lived with TV screens my whole life and with computer screens for the last 20 years. Everywhere I go in my home there are little lights on clocks and gadgets telling me time is passing and the power is on. All the walls in my apartment are filled with wires pulsing with electrical power. I don't know if all this power is harmful (I write with my laptop on my lap and every now and then I worry.) and I certainly couldn't live without my utilities no matter what they emit. However, I do know that this tech world is very stimulating and not natural nor nurturing.
Sleep needs a natural, calm and dark environment. Our eyes need to gradually experience darkness to stimulate the inhibitory neurotransmitter activity needed for sleep. If you spend your nighttime surrounded by lights and staring a screens that present rapidly moving images and bright colors, you may have difficulty falling or staying asleep and you are definitely stressing your neurological system.
Commit to turning off all screens for at least 30 minutes before you get in bed. My dream goal is no computers or TV's after 7PM. If 30 minutes seems too long, begin with 10 minutes and extend it by 5 minutes each week. Pixel images are addictive, so treat your TV and Computer needs as addictions - be easy with the withdrawal.
Buy some black tourmaline chips and place on or near all your tech equiupment. You can tape a small stone on on your cell phone.
Another option is to buy some Black Tourmaline Gem Elixir or Essence. I recommend www.alaskanessences.com. The essence bottle can be kept by your bed and will absorb all electro-magnetic forces near it.
Sleep is not just physically restorative, it is spiritually restorative. Sleep is the time the body heals, the mind digests (let me sleep on it!) and the spirit inspires.
And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence
I want to share a a very calming, nurturing, and centering exercise with you. It is simple and short. This exercise is practiced before falling asleep and is great for everyone including our young children and our elderly.
The Sweet Sleep exercise may or may not cure insomnia or nighttime stress, but it will definitely sweeten your soul and sweeten your sleep. A paradox lives in the sweet sleep exercise as it celebrates your waking life while enriching your sleeping life.
You quietly celebrate what you receive each day, what you accomplish each day and then whisper to your soul your intentions for the following day.
the sweet sleep exercise...
I suggest you journal this exercise or speak it out loud to yourself or your partner or better - both write and speak the three parts:Reflect on your day and recognize:
at least 3 "things" you are grateful for...
These are not "things" that occurred through your efforts. They exist through grace and generosity. Recall anything that was present during the day, however briefly, that supported or enriched your existence. You might recall something natural like a cloud, a flower, the feel of a breeze against your skin - or perhaps a statement of wisdom or beauty. A smile from a stranger. The sweetness of a piece of fruit. A surprise call from a friend.
at least 3 personal accomplishments...
accomplishments that required your efforts and will forces. These are three ways you made a contribution to the world. Ideally these are completions of deeds or completions of a stage of a deed. Something neat and complete, not a great, but unfocused or unfinished effort. You did the dishes. You kissed your children. You read a chapter of a book. You finished a project at work. You attended a meeting.
at least 3 intentions for the next day...
again these are actions that require conscious and focused will efforts. Do not wish or desire here. Intentions are a commitment to engage your will and deliver to the world. These can be simple or complex, be easy or a stretch, but make sure you can actually, fulfill the intention. You are free here to be self-aware. You may intend to take a nap. Call a friend. Look at the moon. Weed for 15 minutes. Take your supplements. Don't do this as if you were making a to-do list, rather create a list of focused and enthused intentions.
I suggest you carry out this exercise with a sense of reverence as if you are saying/writing a nightly prayer. You are preparing your soul for sleep. Your self-celebrating feelings are the guide. You are alive and life is good. Life has contributed to your joy and your accomplishments are of value to you and to others.
This is an exercise that strengthens your will from your heart. It is actually an opening conversation with the spiritual world, your angel, and God that leads to a fabulously restorative sleep.
withdrawing from all things tech before sleep...
On a strictly earthly, tech plane: Turn everything with a screen or a light off early!I have lived with TV screens my whole life and with computer screens for the last 20 years. Everywhere I go in my home there are little lights on clocks and gadgets telling me time is passing and the power is on. All the walls in my apartment are filled with wires pulsing with electrical power. I don't know if all this power is harmful (I write with my laptop on my lap and every now and then I worry.) and I certainly couldn't live without my utilities no matter what they emit. However, I do know that this tech world is very stimulating and not natural nor nurturing.
Sleep needs a natural, calm and dark environment. Our eyes need to gradually experience darkness to stimulate the inhibitory neurotransmitter activity needed for sleep. If you spend your nighttime surrounded by lights and staring a screens that present rapidly moving images and bright colors, you may have difficulty falling or staying asleep and you are definitely stressing your neurological system.
Commit to turning off all screens for at least 30 minutes before you get in bed. My dream goal is no computers or TV's after 7PM. If 30 minutes seems too long, begin with 10 minutes and extend it by 5 minutes each week. Pixel images are addictive, so treat your TV and Computer needs as addictions - be easy with the withdrawal.
Buy some black tourmaline chips and place on or near all your tech equiupment. You can tape a small stone on on your cell phone.
Another option is to buy some Black Tourmaline Gem Elixir or Essence. I recommend www.alaskanessences.com. The essence bottle can be kept by your bed and will absorb all electro-magnetic forces near it.
let the bees sweeten your sleep...
A lovely nighttime ritual is the lighting of a beeswax candle while you do the Sweet Sleep Exercise and any other evening meditations. Beeswax candles do not drip - they disappear into the air as the flame burns. More importantly they emit negative ions which relax the body and support soul harmony. Bees maintain a constant temperature in the hive by beating their wings. The mood of an even temperament and emotional equanimity is truly felt in the presence of a burning beeswax candle.
Also the gentle light of a candle is very soothing to your eyes and the nervous system. It generates lots of GABA, the calming neurotransmitter. The candle flame will sweeten your sleep. Just remember to blow out the candle before you lie down in bed.
Also the gentle light of a candle is very soothing to your eyes and the nervous system. It generates lots of GABA, the calming neurotransmitter. The candle flame will sweeten your sleep. Just remember to blow out the candle before you lie down in bed.
bedroom or sleeping room...
A bedroom is a room with a bed. A sleeping room is a room devoted to the activity of sleep. I have a bedroom. It has a bed in it - but it has a lot of other stuff in it, too. The bed is there for sleep, but all the other stuff is not conducive to the activity of sleep. My bedroom is a dressing room, a TV room, occasionally an office (I love writing with my legs stretched out), a laundry folding room, a collection space for books, newpapers, magazines, a manicure salon, a dining room and an everythingelse room.
I long for a sleeping room. Sleep is truly a sacred activity. If you could have a room just for sleeping, what would it be like? This is the question I will leave you with. Please post your thoughts on a room for nurturing sound and restorative sleeping. A room for sweet dreams. Just click on the word comments.
I long for a sleeping room. Sleep is truly a sacred activity. If you could have a room just for sleeping, what would it be like? This is the question I will leave you with. Please post your thoughts on a room for nurturing sound and restorative sleeping. A room for sweet dreams. Just click on the word comments.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
A Thoughtful 4th of July
LIBERTY, INDEPENDENCE AND FREEDOM
originally published in Foursquare Conversations Newsletter
written by Lynn Jericho and Bethene LeMahieu
July, 2004
originally published in Foursquare Conversations Newsletter
written by Lynn Jericho and Bethene LeMahieu
July, 2004
Note: I really love the ideas Bethene and I discovered in our conversations on Liberty, Independence and Freedom over four years ago. I hope you find them worth living and celebrating. Our conversation was inspired by the election year of 2004, now we are at another election year, 2008. Make sure you vote in November. Lynn
Each Fourth of July Macy's spends millions of dollars providing a spectacular fireworks display for New York City and television viewers around the country. For thirty minutes the rocket's red glare explodes over Manhattan from three locations. From our vantage on the Hudson River waterfront of Jersey City, we could watch all three displays though our necks got a little sore from all the twisting. Jersey City is home to many different ethnic groups so our 4th was spent oohing and aahing in a true "melting pot" corner of America.
Independence Day brings many images to us: cookouts, fireworks, John Philip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever," blueberries and whipped cream, It is, after all, the birthday of American Independence…and we sure know how to throw a party.
As you have learned by now, we love to plow beneath the surface and find the deeper meaning of things. The Fourth of July inspired us to look at LIBERTY, INDEPENDENCE and FREEDOM. Before you read our thoughts on these ideals, consider for a few moments your own sense of their meanings.
Please keep in mind and heart that we are facing a very significant election - one that will determine how we define and experience liberty, independence and freedom in our daily lives and in our future.
Independently yours,
Lynn and Bethene
Each Fourth of July Macy's spends millions of dollars providing a spectacular fireworks display for New York City and television viewers around the country. For thirty minutes the rocket's red glare explodes over Manhattan from three locations. From our vantage on the Hudson River waterfront of Jersey City, we could watch all three displays though our necks got a little sore from all the twisting. Jersey City is home to many different ethnic groups so our 4th was spent oohing and aahing in a true "melting pot" corner of America.
Independence Day brings many images to us: cookouts, fireworks, John Philip Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever," blueberries and whipped cream, It is, after all, the birthday of American Independence…and we sure know how to throw a party.
As you have learned by now, we love to plow beneath the surface and find the deeper meaning of things. The Fourth of July inspired us to look at LIBERTY, INDEPENDENCE and FREEDOM. Before you read our thoughts on these ideals, consider for a few moments your own sense of their meanings.
Please keep in mind and heart that we are facing a very significant election - one that will determine how we define and experience liberty, independence and freedom in our daily lives and in our future.
Independently yours,
Lynn and Bethene
Growing up in the "land of the free" means we spend little time reflecting on what we feel we have as a birthright. Like breathing, freedom and its two siblings, liberty and independence, never call out for attention until they are being stifled. Many of us are feeling a little shortness of breath these days - so take a moment to bring some special attention to the three sisters of true emancipated individuality.
If you followed our request and gave thought to the meaning of liberty, independence and freedom, you probably realized, as we did, that there is a tendency to collapse them all together and to turn them into synonyms. Liberty is independence. Independence is freedom. Freedom is liberty.
The notion that liberty, independence and freedom are synonymous did not feel right to us. So we began one of our extraordinary conversations to discover the distinctions we knew were essential but not articulated. Here are our results:
Liberty is - the absence of confining rules, boundaries, disciplines.
Independence is - the absence of attachments.
Freedom is - the presence of love.
Independence is - the absence of attachments.
Freedom is - the presence of love.
LIBERTY
the absence of confining rules, boundaries and disciplines
the absence of confining rules, boundaries and disciplines
Our two inspirations leading us to our sense of the essence of liberty were the sailors at liberty and those individuals we call libertines. Sailors are given liberty - they are granted permission to leave the confines of their ship and cross the boundaries of the sea to engage in land life. They are allowed to relax their disciplines and duties. Libertines are those who live by breaking all rules - but not with a criminal intent. They don't recognize the boundaries of social and cultural mores. They live outside the norm in amazingly unrestricted self-expression. How they feel, how they act and how they think is unpredictable - and outside the box.
Liberty is experienced in your relationship to all that is outside of you-beyond your personal boundary. It is about the context of your life - your family, your workplace, your social group, etc.
INDEPENDENCE
the absence of attachments
the absence of attachments
"In-" is a suffix that indicates "not." Not dependent is one way of understanding independence. Dependencies are perceived as lifelines to secure survival or to secure identity. Dependencies are essential for childhood, but in adulthood, they indicate fear and uncertainty in our own experience of selfhood. With growing independence, we cut our numerous lifelines and umbilical cords and increasingly feel a secure sense of our own well-being and our own individuality.
"In-dependence is the confident dependence on your own inner content. You have the inner resources and capabilities to provide for yourself.
FREEDOM
the permeating presence of love
the permeating presence of love
The dictionary of etymology - the origin of words - gives the Old English and Old German roots for freedom as meaning love, dear and friend. We began to consider the role of love in what we call freedom.
Without the presence of love, real universal love, not a selfish and limited love that is confined, bounded and ruled by your attachments, there can be no freedom. Instead of freedom we will only have the privileged and the unprivileged, the entitled and the un-entitled, the haves and the have-nots. If we divide the world into those we love and those we don't love, we will never have freedom, liberty or independence. This division of those we love from those we don't love forces us to:
abandon universal love for personal love (no freedom)
set rules and boundaries and enforce them on ourselves and others (no liberty)
maintain our attachments to what we love (no independence).
Freedom is loving and being loved by all others. Love becomes both the context (liberty) and the content (independence) of your life.
A LONG WAY TO GO
Clearly, we have a long way to go to move the visions and values of liberty, independence and freedom into real fulfillment. And - all of us should contemplate and confront our assumptions and behaviors relative to our personal liberty, independence and freedom.
When you begin your contemplation, work in nano steps. (A nano step is about a billionth of a baby step.) Keep the circle of contemplation small as you take up your thoughts. The meaning of these ideals can easily fall into noble, but grandiose, abstractions. Grandiose abstractions never get practical and never make a better world. Keep your thoughts to what actually can be understood, felt in your heart and achieved. You'll find a better you - and a better world for everyone - by working in nano-steps.
SUGGESTED CONTEMPLATIONS AND EXERCISES
What rules do you adhere to?
FAMILY RULES: Behave yourself. You represent us. When the going gets tough, go crazy. Say grace before every meal,
SELF-IMAGE RULES: I must be thin.
WORK RULES: Keep your emotions at home. Always give credit to the boss. Never have a spelling error on a proposal.
SOCIAL RULES: Be polite but not friendly with those who are different. Ignore people in wheelchairs. Always write thank you notes by hand.
POLITICAL RULES: My parents voted Democrat, so do I. Always vote in an election.
Consider your boundaries and disciplines:
What are the ships you cannot get off?
Rate the most important five rules of your life.
On a scale of 1 - 10 - 10 being the most free - rate each rule. How comfortable are you with each rule? What would be the consequence of liberty with each rule? You can consider boundaries or disciplines as well.
List five or more attachments you have.
It helps to consider them as addictions - without them you can't imagine living or being yourself: Ice cream, the daily newspaper, makeup, tennis, credit cards. Having friends and colleagues that look and think like you. Living in the right neighborhood.
Imagine being unattached.
How much larger would your world be? How much larger would you be?
Think of the individuals or groups that give you the freedom to be you. This is the presence of love.
List a minimum of ten groups of people, ways of thinking, belief systems, lifestyles, etc. you love less than others or love more than others.
You can use a scale of 1 - 10 here too. Be truthful with yourself; nobody is going to know what you discern.
Finally, be creative.
Free your thinking.
Feel independent.
Liberate your actions.
Free your thinking.
Feel independent.
Liberate your actions.
PS: If you want to read a fabulous, soul-liberating paper on
Identity and Personal Freedom by Betsie Carter-Haar: click here.
If this link doesn't work, here is the url for the article. When you get to the page just click the button at the top left to download the paper. http://www.psychosynthesisresources.com/pub95.html
Post comments with your thoughts and feelings on liberty, independence and freedom. Join in the conversation.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Requesting - Three Helpful Steps and True Confessions
I offer. I offer. I offer. I do not request. Actually, I avoid requesting
I am a caregiver, a listener, a healer, a sometimes wise woman. I am a metaphorical mother’s breast of endlessly flowing milk. I find esteem and comfort in providing. I find shame and agony in requesting. When it comes to requesting, I am a mess or was a mess.
I was so thrilled with the epiphany I had early this year in a conversation with a client. I “coined” the “3 R’s of the Soul – Refusing, Receiving and Requesting.”
I wrote about refusing and saying “NO.” I wrote about receiving. Then it was time to write about requesting. Paralysis of the mind – I couldn’t think about requesting, let alone write about it.
It has been over two months since I posted to this blog. Two months of hell for me. Hopefully, liberating hell. I have been facing the inner dilemma and the inner anxiety of facing my own “stuff” about requesting. I have learned a lot and as a great therapist once taught me – “Know it. Catch it. Change it." I now know what a mess I am around requesting and this is the key. Now I easily catch myself and I am amazed at how I am changing my relationship to making requests.
If I were going to pathologize my requesting dilemma I would call it a social disorder. Requesting is a social deed, an action between self and other. I have difficulty determining what I need and requesting it from someone who is likely to be able to provide it.
This does not have to be major. It can be simple- like asking directions. I am so resistant to asking for directions – requesting help. It takes my breath away. Instead of asking some friendly person for directions, I drive around for god knows how long, fiercely looking for my destination. I know this is nuts, but I also know that a number of my readers are identifying with me.
Or I can be shopping and a salesperson asks if I need help. I say “No, thank you” as quickly, charmingly and confidently as I can. Then my inner voice says “You jerk! You know you need help.” I then silently search the store for whatever it is I need.
Notice, that I am only talking about minor, practical requests. Not major, life-supporting requests. Baby steps…baby steps.
Yes, there have been times when I have made a request, but not many. I can place a order with a waiter. I know what I want to eat and I request it. But if the hamburger comes well-done and I ordered medium rare, I do not request that I get what I ordered.
I have request envy. I watch friends and strangers make requests as if they have a right to request. Why don’t I feel that right? Intellectually, I know about this right to request. I know that self-respect encompasses needs and gifts, strengths and weaknesses. Yet, my thoughts about requesting don’t shape my feelings or my actions.
Why is it so damn difficult for me to make a request?
Come on a journey back to my childhood. My dear mother was a wreck, loaded with anxieties, pretty narcissistic and very incapable of meeting her own needs. Meeting the needs of her children was not her strength. I learned early on meeting her needs and not having any of my own was the only way to get love and not be abandoned.
My father was in and out of mental hospitals. My mother left him while he was hospitalized and moved us to Florida when I was 8 years old. Two months later when she told my sister and me that he was out of the hospital, I insisted that she put me on a plane so I could go take care of him. She did. I happily cared for my daddy until it became inconvenient for him and he put me on the plane back to Florida. At my young age, I decided I hadn’t offered enough to not be abandoned.
Light bulb!! I used the word “insisted” instead of “requested.” Yes, I can insist to get my needs met. I can righteously “demand.” So my options in requesting are all or nothing. I deny my needs or demand their fulfillment. The middle range of levels of request is just not there in my soul.
It is never to late to transform, transcend and find peace. Here I am at 60 finding a new relationship to requesting. So I will write about my new insights about requesting. Just remember as I will – conceptual understanding of basic rights and activities and the recognition of the biographical roots of personal difficulties are only steps to the essential practice of the rightful activity. Requesting is making the request – not thinking about it.
The Right Request
First, determine your need, the object of your request. Be clear and be specific. If you are not specific about what you need, you may not get what is appropriate for and fulfilling of your need.
You may need to work at this. I suggest finding a few minutes and do some journaling about your need. Know your need which is the desired result or outcome of your successful request. Then write down your request. You may need to rewrite it several times to get to the right phrasing. If you do this practice for a month or two you will build a skill and master the art of the Right Request.
Each week I have a “One to One” training session at my Apple Store. (another reason to switch to a Mac – 52 private training sessions for just $100 – fabulous) I make a list of my questions before I go. What I don’t do is make a list of what results I am wanting. If I got clear that at the end of the hour I want to be able to create a spreadsheet, I would be less likely to go off on interesting but unnecessary tangents that diminish the success of the outcome. Often I learn about wonderful things, but not what I wanted to learn. That’s my job as the requester to manage the request and stay focused on the outcome.
Journal about the fulfillment, the outcome of your request. Conscious requesting means you are clear about the goal of the quest!
The Right Provider
Second, ask yourself “Who can provide what I am requesting?” Who can meet your needs? Too often we don’t ask the right person or the right organization. We are requesting that we be served and we need to know that our provider is capable of the service. Otherwise we are going to be disappointed or in deep trouble. It is also possible to ask “Are you the right person to meet my request? If not, can you help me determine who is?”
I am very happy to be a resource for my clients. If I recognize an issue is better handled by another healer, I am happy to provide a provider.
Seek out the right provider for your request. If you need help in finding the right provider, request it from a good resource.
The Right Level of Request
Make a list of levels of request from denial of the request to demand and insistence. Look at your style of requesting. Look at your comfort and safety around requesting.
My stepmother had a very pleasant way of asking for discounts from her service providers like the dry cleaner. She almost always got her discount. She really understood the relationship of requesting and providing. I wish I had paid attention to her art.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” But do you ask with honey, with vinegar or with poison?
If you are clear about your request and have confidence in your provider, than this exploration on the art of the request, will be easy. But if you are anxious about making the request, ask a friend to rehearse with you. Make sure you pay attention to any feelings or memories that surface during the rehearsal – they are clues to resolving your issues and healing your wounds around requesting
Then…go ask. Life is a quest filled with requests. Find the right question, ask the right person in the right way and you will succeed, celebrate and rejoice.
I have three requests. Please let your friends know about the Live In Full Bloom! blog.
Please write a comment to this post. Please contact me at lynnjericho@gmail.com if you need some counseling and coaching on living your life in full bloom.
I am a caregiver, a listener, a healer, a sometimes wise woman. I am a metaphorical mother’s breast of endlessly flowing milk. I find esteem and comfort in providing. I find shame and agony in requesting. When it comes to requesting, I am a mess or was a mess.
I was so thrilled with the epiphany I had early this year in a conversation with a client. I “coined” the “3 R’s of the Soul – Refusing, Receiving and Requesting.”
I wrote about refusing and saying “NO.” I wrote about receiving. Then it was time to write about requesting. Paralysis of the mind – I couldn’t think about requesting, let alone write about it.
It has been over two months since I posted to this blog. Two months of hell for me. Hopefully, liberating hell. I have been facing the inner dilemma and the inner anxiety of facing my own “stuff” about requesting. I have learned a lot and as a great therapist once taught me – “Know it. Catch it. Change it." I now know what a mess I am around requesting and this is the key. Now I easily catch myself and I am amazed at how I am changing my relationship to making requests.
If I were going to pathologize my requesting dilemma I would call it a social disorder. Requesting is a social deed, an action between self and other. I have difficulty determining what I need and requesting it from someone who is likely to be able to provide it.
This does not have to be major. It can be simple- like asking directions. I am so resistant to asking for directions – requesting help. It takes my breath away. Instead of asking some friendly person for directions, I drive around for god knows how long, fiercely looking for my destination. I know this is nuts, but I also know that a number of my readers are identifying with me.
Or I can be shopping and a salesperson asks if I need help. I say “No, thank you” as quickly, charmingly and confidently as I can. Then my inner voice says “You jerk! You know you need help.” I then silently search the store for whatever it is I need.
Notice, that I am only talking about minor, practical requests. Not major, life-supporting requests. Baby steps…baby steps.
Yes, there have been times when I have made a request, but not many. I can place a order with a waiter. I know what I want to eat and I request it. But if the hamburger comes well-done and I ordered medium rare, I do not request that I get what I ordered.
I have request envy. I watch friends and strangers make requests as if they have a right to request. Why don’t I feel that right? Intellectually, I know about this right to request. I know that self-respect encompasses needs and gifts, strengths and weaknesses. Yet, my thoughts about requesting don’t shape my feelings or my actions.
Why is it so damn difficult for me to make a request?
Come on a journey back to my childhood. My dear mother was a wreck, loaded with anxieties, pretty narcissistic and very incapable of meeting her own needs. Meeting the needs of her children was not her strength. I learned early on meeting her needs and not having any of my own was the only way to get love and not be abandoned.
My father was in and out of mental hospitals. My mother left him while he was hospitalized and moved us to Florida when I was 8 years old. Two months later when she told my sister and me that he was out of the hospital, I insisted that she put me on a plane so I could go take care of him. She did. I happily cared for my daddy until it became inconvenient for him and he put me on the plane back to Florida. At my young age, I decided I hadn’t offered enough to not be abandoned.
Light bulb!! I used the word “insisted” instead of “requested.” Yes, I can insist to get my needs met. I can righteously “demand.” So my options in requesting are all or nothing. I deny my needs or demand their fulfillment. The middle range of levels of request is just not there in my soul.
It is never to late to transform, transcend and find peace. Here I am at 60 finding a new relationship to requesting. So I will write about my new insights about requesting. Just remember as I will – conceptual understanding of basic rights and activities and the recognition of the biographical roots of personal difficulties are only steps to the essential practice of the rightful activity. Requesting is making the request – not thinking about it.
The Right Request
First, determine your need, the object of your request. Be clear and be specific. If you are not specific about what you need, you may not get what is appropriate for and fulfilling of your need.
You may need to work at this. I suggest finding a few minutes and do some journaling about your need. Know your need which is the desired result or outcome of your successful request. Then write down your request. You may need to rewrite it several times to get to the right phrasing. If you do this practice for a month or two you will build a skill and master the art of the Right Request.
Each week I have a “One to One” training session at my Apple Store. (another reason to switch to a Mac – 52 private training sessions for just $100 – fabulous) I make a list of my questions before I go. What I don’t do is make a list of what results I am wanting. If I got clear that at the end of the hour I want to be able to create a spreadsheet, I would be less likely to go off on interesting but unnecessary tangents that diminish the success of the outcome. Often I learn about wonderful things, but not what I wanted to learn. That’s my job as the requester to manage the request and stay focused on the outcome.
Journal about the fulfillment, the outcome of your request. Conscious requesting means you are clear about the goal of the quest!
The Right Provider
Second, ask yourself “Who can provide what I am requesting?” Who can meet your needs? Too often we don’t ask the right person or the right organization. We are requesting that we be served and we need to know that our provider is capable of the service. Otherwise we are going to be disappointed or in deep trouble. It is also possible to ask “Are you the right person to meet my request? If not, can you help me determine who is?”
I am very happy to be a resource for my clients. If I recognize an issue is better handled by another healer, I am happy to provide a provider.
Seek out the right provider for your request. If you need help in finding the right provider, request it from a good resource.
The Right Level of Request
Make a list of levels of request from denial of the request to demand and insistence. Look at your style of requesting. Look at your comfort and safety around requesting.
My stepmother had a very pleasant way of asking for discounts from her service providers like the dry cleaner. She almost always got her discount. She really understood the relationship of requesting and providing. I wish I had paid attention to her art.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” But do you ask with honey, with vinegar or with poison?
If you are clear about your request and have confidence in your provider, than this exploration on the art of the request, will be easy. But if you are anxious about making the request, ask a friend to rehearse with you. Make sure you pay attention to any feelings or memories that surface during the rehearsal – they are clues to resolving your issues and healing your wounds around requesting
Then…go ask. Life is a quest filled with requests. Find the right question, ask the right person in the right way and you will succeed, celebrate and rejoice.
I have three requests. Please let your friends know about the Live In Full Bloom! blog.
Please write a comment to this post. Please contact me at lynnjericho@gmail.com if you need some counseling and coaching on living your life in full bloom.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Through Your Life's Looking Glass Teleworkshop
Dear Friends,
For weeks I have been mulling over the possibilities of offering a biography workshop over the phone. The impulse to do this will not fade, so here it goes. Do you want to participate? I am setting a limit of 8 participants.
What is biography work? It is a creative study of your life - how you have come to be who you are today. It is done with a group so that each participant's life reflections can inspire the others. The work follows the archetypal phases and themes of human development.
Your life is a path to emotional maturity, psychological balance and spiritual freedom.What are the steps you have taken on this path? Has the path been clear and easy or filled with mysterious turns, steep climbs, slippery slopes? When have you found extraordinary vistas or had to hack your way through rough vegatation? Have you strayed away from you life path, taken detours, fallen asleep along the way? Who has shared the path with you, given you good directions, and urged you forward?
Give yourself 15 hours over ten weeks to focus on your life. That is less than a day in your life given to understanding your entire life. Biography work lets all the days of your future shine with more brightly with self-awareness, self-compassion, self-direction.
What can you learn from taking warm interest in the paths others have walked? Can you be inspired by others? Can you recognize your self in another's life? A biography group is a karmic constellation of mirrors. You will see yourself in other's lives and be profoundly moved. You will find the stories of your life, healing, illuminating and comforting the lives of others. You will find a growing compassion for all others as you find more and more sensitivity to the forces at play in each individual's life.
Through Your Life's Looking Glass is a workshop of 10 - 90 minute teleseminars of guided and shared reflections on your personal biography - the stories of your life.
The intial five sessions will focus on the 7 year phases of human development. Each phase awakens and matures certain capacities eg. from birth to age 7 we are learning about our physical body and the physical world and we are held closely by our family. Each member of the group is asked to share about their favorite space in their home and to describe their favorite relative.
The final five sessions will explore archetypal themes such as money, spirituality and religion, nature, fear, strokes of fate, etc. I do not determine the themes until the fifth session as I base the themes on what has been revealed in the work of the group. Let's consider money - we may explore family attitudes about wealth, material possessions, financial autonomy, financial abandonment, etc. Each participant might be asked to describe early memories and feelings about buying something special for themselves or buying a gift for someone else and then look at the meaning of those gestures today.
Will you devote 15 hours of your life to a process that will illuminate your present, heal your past, and liberate your future?
Will you see your own life mirrored in the life stories of seven other individual? Will you accept the warm observations of your life and offer your own observations to others with compassion and gratitude?
I create a mood of safety, sacredness and significance for the group. I expect openness, courage, and reverence from the participants.
This workshop is open to those living 45 driving minutes outside Manhattan. For those within the NY metro area I am giving a biography workshop beginning Monday, March 10, at ASNYC, 138 West 15th Street, NYC. Go here for more info.
The cost for the biography teleworkshop is $300. The dates are Thursdays, March 13 through May 15th. The time is 7-8:30PM Eastern.
To register or to get more information call me at 201-333-9106 or email me at lynnjericho@gmail.com.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Healing as a Threat - The Auto-immune Disorder of the Soul
For the last year I have been working with a dilemma - the client obsessed with the healing process who never heals. Some of these individuals find one healer and work with them forever even when the work does not lead to any lasting benefit. Others engage with a vast variety of healers and therapies without a strategic healing plan and an assessment process . Both groups are usually very knowledgeable and well-read but are highly emotional in their unsuccessful pursuit of healing.
I want to share my thoughts on the clients who work with many different healers and healing modalities.
Healing work takes consistency, commitment and attention from both healing partners. Since I am a generalist and intuitive I recognize the need for a healing relationship that functions as the organizing strategic and tactical center for the engagement and comprehensive assessment of healing needs, resources and benefits. I work to provide this for my clients. Without this centering perspective the healing process becomes impulsive and compulsive - a dynamic where research, choices and reactions lose focus and effectiveness. Not enough time to is given to any one healing process to achieve lasting transformations or results.
There is a profile of the "juggler" client. They are always juggling many healing processes and many healers, tossing balls in the air, catching and holding balls, dropping balls, picking up dropped balls and finding new balls. These individuals are always quite brilliant/gifted. Many of them had "ill" mothers and emotionally absent fathers. Many of them had mothers that worked with a number of healing modalities often beyond traditional forms for themselves or one or more of their children. The parent/child dynamic is focused on being ill and seeking, but not finding wellness, happiness, stability. It is as if being ill is always trumping being well. This dynamic impacts the adult life of the child. Healing would be a betrayal of the parent but seeking healing is loyalty to the parent or family system.
This is an auto-immune disease in the soul - any potential healing is perceived as potential threat or harm and emotional antibodies are released to create doubt, resistance or abandonment of the healing process. These antibodies have intellectual, sympathetic or practical rationales that are quite powerful in their justifications. However, they are auto-immune responses and need to be confronted and understood as such to move to authentic healing.
Truly, without first addressing the auto-immune soul disorder, the sufferer will succeed only in continuing to suffer and remaining loyal to a family dynamic of seeking and not finding. Sadly, I don't know any juggler who has succeeded in recovering well-being.
I am working on a set of guidelines to support these individuals. If you identify with this disorder or love someone who suffers with it, please email me. I would love to know your story and your questions.
I want to share my thoughts on the clients who work with many different healers and healing modalities.
Healing work takes consistency, commitment and attention from both healing partners. Since I am a generalist and intuitive I recognize the need for a healing relationship that functions as the organizing strategic and tactical center for the engagement and comprehensive assessment of healing needs, resources and benefits. I work to provide this for my clients. Without this centering perspective the healing process becomes impulsive and compulsive - a dynamic where research, choices and reactions lose focus and effectiveness. Not enough time to is given to any one healing process to achieve lasting transformations or results.
There is a profile of the "juggler" client. They are always juggling many healing processes and many healers, tossing balls in the air, catching and holding balls, dropping balls, picking up dropped balls and finding new balls. These individuals are always quite brilliant/gifted. Many of them had "ill" mothers and emotionally absent fathers. Many of them had mothers that worked with a number of healing modalities often beyond traditional forms for themselves or one or more of their children. The parent/child dynamic is focused on being ill and seeking, but not finding wellness, happiness, stability. It is as if being ill is always trumping being well. This dynamic impacts the adult life of the child. Healing would be a betrayal of the parent but seeking healing is loyalty to the parent or family system.
This is an auto-immune disease in the soul - any potential healing is perceived as potential threat or harm and emotional antibodies are released to create doubt, resistance or abandonment of the healing process. These antibodies have intellectual, sympathetic or practical rationales that are quite powerful in their justifications. However, they are auto-immune responses and need to be confronted and understood as such to move to authentic healing.
Truly, without first addressing the auto-immune soul disorder, the sufferer will succeed only in continuing to suffer and remaining loyal to a family dynamic of seeking and not finding. Sadly, I don't know any juggler who has succeeded in recovering well-being.
I am working on a set of guidelines to support these individuals. If you identify with this disorder or love someone who suffers with it, please email me. I would love to know your story and your questions.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The 3 R's of Your Soul - Receiving
If we have found some empowering clarity around refusing and feel comfortable saying "NO" to what we don't want, it is time to plunge into the mysteries of receiving.
Receiving is a two pronged action: to be presented with something and to accept what is presented. The first prong is passive and the other active. Depending on our temperament, either passivity or activity is our preferred role of engagement in life.
With receiving, we are both passive and active, so receiving is difficult for all of us regardless of our instinctive preference for an active or passive living style. Through the growing maturity of self-mastery, we can come to enjoy both aspects of receiving. The key to this enjoyment is the ability to recognize the point where the passivity of being the object of a presentation evolves into being the subject accepting. We must bring our attention to this subtle and often overlooked point of metamorphosis to be comfortable with both prongs of receiving.
Recall or imagine someone giving you a kiss on the cheek, a birthday present, a complement or help with a problem. When did the active gesture of accepting begin? I use to have a real struggle with this when people would come up to me after I gave a talk. They would be presenting me with compliments, gratitude or other feedback. I could only focus on their gesture and felt absolutely clueless about accepting. I felt truly out of control as I didn't know how to be engaged in accepting after spending time in the gesture of presenting in my talk. I might feel great about my talk but I felt lousy about the conclusion. It took me a couple of years to learn how to gracefully and actively accept what was presented to me. A similar situation is found in the role of mothering. Mothers give and give and give some more and although they may fantasize about receiving and enjoy the passive role in the initial gesture of presentation, they often struggle with the active role of accepting. This challenge is the source of the image of the mother criticizing all gifts from clothing to candy to doing the dishes.
Receiving actually feels incomplete when it remains passive and never becomes active. Imagine putting food in your mouth and trying to swallow without closing your mouth. You can't do it. You need to actively and consciously close you mouth - willfully accept what food is presented to benefit from what you receive.
Receiving is a threefold relationship: we relate to the giver or presenter, we relate to what is being given, and we relate to the consequence of accepting.
Who is the giver? Is this a person you feel safe with? Do you trust their motives in giving? Do you feel they are qualified to give?These are questions that take us back to early childhood and our first caregivers. As children we were dependent on our givers but as adults we are not. We can be objective about our givers. We can decide if we trust the giver. The relationship to the giver shapes our willingness to receive. Did you early caregivers teach you about power and autonomy? Did they abuse or neglect or smother you with their attention? All this effects and shapes you ability to receive. You may want to reread the posting on refusing at this point.
Is the giver generous or indulgent? It is hell to be indulged because indulgence has no concern regarding the actual benefit to the receiver. Indulgence lacks integrity and wisdom. My readers are on a path of spiritual and personal development. They want to receive, be presented with and accept, that which strengthens - the gifts coming from the consciousness of generosity, not the compulsion of indulgence.
What are you willing to receive? What are you comfortable receiving?
Material gifts?
Recognition?
Help?
Encouragement?
Acknowledgment?
Celebration?
Truth?
Compassion?
Write down your feelings about receiving each of these presents. What does this remind you of? Do your best to get to the earliest or core memory of receiving this gift. Does your willingness to receive change with the giver? Your comfort or ease? Imagine the giver, first your mother or your father, a friend, a co-worker, a stranger, etc. for example, you may be able to receive compassion from your friend but not celebration.
What are the consequences of receiving? What expectations are in the giver or in you?
Reciprocity- the expectation to match the gift.
Gratitude - a simple and sincere thanks.
Indebtedness - the expectation that the return will exceed the value of the gift.
Pay it forward - the expectation that you will take what is received and pass it on to the next receiver.
The free gift - no expectation at all, not even for a thankyou.
Review your experiences with each consequence. You might also take a look at what you have attached to all the gifts you have given to others.
There are many more layers to the complex experience/capacity of receiving, but these reflections are a good beginning. Please share your thoughts on receiving.
Receiving is a two pronged action: to be presented with something and to accept what is presented. The first prong is passive and the other active. Depending on our temperament, either passivity or activity is our preferred role of engagement in life.
With receiving, we are both passive and active, so receiving is difficult for all of us regardless of our instinctive preference for an active or passive living style. Through the growing maturity of self-mastery, we can come to enjoy both aspects of receiving. The key to this enjoyment is the ability to recognize the point where the passivity of being the object of a presentation evolves into being the subject accepting. We must bring our attention to this subtle and often overlooked point of metamorphosis to be comfortable with both prongs of receiving.
Recall or imagine someone giving you a kiss on the cheek, a birthday present, a complement or help with a problem. When did the active gesture of accepting begin? I use to have a real struggle with this when people would come up to me after I gave a talk. They would be presenting me with compliments, gratitude or other feedback. I could only focus on their gesture and felt absolutely clueless about accepting. I felt truly out of control as I didn't know how to be engaged in accepting after spending time in the gesture of presenting in my talk. I might feel great about my talk but I felt lousy about the conclusion. It took me a couple of years to learn how to gracefully and actively accept what was presented to me. A similar situation is found in the role of mothering. Mothers give and give and give some more and although they may fantasize about receiving and enjoy the passive role in the initial gesture of presentation, they often struggle with the active role of accepting. This challenge is the source of the image of the mother criticizing all gifts from clothing to candy to doing the dishes.
Receiving actually feels incomplete when it remains passive and never becomes active. Imagine putting food in your mouth and trying to swallow without closing your mouth. You can't do it. You need to actively and consciously close you mouth - willfully accept what food is presented to benefit from what you receive.
Receiving is a threefold relationship: we relate to the giver or presenter, we relate to what is being given, and we relate to the consequence of accepting.
Who is the giver? Is this a person you feel safe with? Do you trust their motives in giving? Do you feel they are qualified to give?These are questions that take us back to early childhood and our first caregivers. As children we were dependent on our givers but as adults we are not. We can be objective about our givers. We can decide if we trust the giver. The relationship to the giver shapes our willingness to receive. Did you early caregivers teach you about power and autonomy? Did they abuse or neglect or smother you with their attention? All this effects and shapes you ability to receive. You may want to reread the posting on refusing at this point.
Is the giver generous or indulgent? It is hell to be indulged because indulgence has no concern regarding the actual benefit to the receiver. Indulgence lacks integrity and wisdom. My readers are on a path of spiritual and personal development. They want to receive, be presented with and accept, that which strengthens - the gifts coming from the consciousness of generosity, not the compulsion of indulgence.
What are you willing to receive? What are you comfortable receiving?
Material gifts?
Recognition?
Help?
Encouragement?
Acknowledgment?
Celebration?
Truth?
Compassion?
Write down your feelings about receiving each of these presents. What does this remind you of? Do your best to get to the earliest or core memory of receiving this gift. Does your willingness to receive change with the giver? Your comfort or ease? Imagine the giver, first your mother or your father, a friend, a co-worker, a stranger, etc. for example, you may be able to receive compassion from your friend but not celebration.
What are the consequences of receiving? What expectations are in the giver or in you?
Reciprocity- the expectation to match the gift.
Gratitude - a simple and sincere thanks.
Indebtedness - the expectation that the return will exceed the value of the gift.
Pay it forward - the expectation that you will take what is received and pass it on to the next receiver.
The free gift - no expectation at all, not even for a thankyou.
Review your experiences with each consequence. You might also take a look at what you have attached to all the gifts you have given to others.
There are many more layers to the complex experience/capacity of receiving, but these reflections are a good beginning. Please share your thoughts on receiving.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The 3 R's of Your Soul
In working with my clients over the last 20 years I am always delighted (light up) when I recognize a simple way of expressing and understanding a difficulty or a problem. The simplicity means it is easier to grasp and transform the problem.
Just the other day, a client's challenge with setting boundaries and meeting her own needs led to the recognition of 3 R's of the soul: refusing, receiving and requesting. Most of us are challenged with one or more of these essential skills.
We all know the 3 R's of childhood education - reading, 'riting, 'rithmatic. There is much more to education than reading, writing and arithmetic, but these three are essential foundations for learning:
Just the other day, a client's challenge with setting boundaries and meeting her own needs led to the recognition of 3 R's of the soul: refusing, receiving and requesting. Most of us are challenged with one or more of these essential skills.
We all know the 3 R's of childhood education - reading, 'riting, 'rithmatic. There is much more to education than reading, writing and arithmetic, but these three are essential foundations for learning:
- The skill of reading allows us to learn the ideas of others.
- The skill of writing allows us to communicate our own ideas.
- Arthmetic teaches us how to add, subtract, multiply and divide, the four ways of manipulating and calculating quantity and value (not just in number, but in everything).
These are three incredibly valuable skills. Life without themwould be very frustrating, confusing and disturbing.
Equally valuable are the 3 R's of the Soul:
* Refusing - saying no
* Receiving - accepting help, support and acknowledgment
* Requesting - asking for what you need or deserve
I want to explore each of these three essential gestures of the mature soul. Yes, these gestures are about maturity. In the mature soul, these 3 R's gracefully establish healthy relationships and a strong sense of self-esteem. If refusal, receiving or requesting are immature, they lack self-wisdom, lean toward selfishness and demand, and damage rather than build relationships.
Equally valuable are the 3 R's of the Soul:
* Refusing - saying no
* Receiving - accepting help, support and acknowledgment
* Requesting - asking for what you need or deserve
I want to explore each of these three essential gestures of the mature soul. Yes, these gestures are about maturity. In the mature soul, these 3 R's gracefully establish healthy relationships and a strong sense of self-esteem. If refusal, receiving or requesting are immature, they lack self-wisdom, lean toward selfishness and demand, and damage rather than build relationships.
But the challenge for so many of us is the absence or deficiency of the capacities and the confidence to refuse, to receive and to request.
How comfortable and mature are you with refusing, receiving and requesting? Do you have an inner permission to say no, to accept help, support and acknowledgment, and to ask for what you need or deserve?
Refusing is the skill that gives boundaries to your soul. I will not do this. I will not tolerate this. I will not accept this. I will not conform. Etc.
How were you educated about “NO!” Do you feel you have a right to say no? Are there certain contexts where you have difficulty saying no? Do you find that you refuse yourself, your own desires and needs, more easily than the desires and needs of others?
Refusal is such a powerful skill and one that is not encouraged in early childhood. Yet, the “terrible two’s” when a child is exploring “No!” is the same time when the soul is waking up to the experience of “I,” of Self-distinction. Sometime between 2 and 3 in the midst of delighting in “No” a child says, “I” for the first time and begins to reference self personal individuality. This simultaneity is not coincidence. Refusal is a gift of the” I.” “I will not....” Learning the skill of refusal is essential to the soul’s sense of selfhood.
Revering your Selfhood is reflected in your ability to refuse giving attention, time and energy to all that does not serve your practical and inner development. Saying no is often saying yes to a deeper reality.
Here are a few self-reflective exercises:
- Write down your feelings about saying no. No to yourself. No to others. No to family or social expectations.
- Do you remember having your refusals honored by your parents and teachers? What about your spouse or partner.
- How do you feel when someone says no to you?
- How would you life be different if you were more comfortable with refusal?
- Write a list of desired refusals. What do you want to say “NO!” to.
Explore refusing, compassionately and courageously.
My next posting will be thoughts on the skill of receiving.
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